Grief and … hope?

screamingI don’t really know how to begin this.

There is a part of me, pretty big part when things like this happen, that wants to scream in God’s face. I want to yell, and scream and beat him.

Sure, death comes to us all and people behave like jerks. I get it. But I don’t like it. I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT! And I really wish that some people could just stop for one damn second and see what they are doing (or have done) to themselves and others. I want to rant and rave and scream and curse.

You’d think, in the midst of feeling like this that I would be a step closer to denying God. I’m not. And that doesn’t make any sense…I know. But I can’t put my hope in mankind. I can’t. No matter what atheists and humanists say, human beings can not be depended upon. We will fail each other: ALWAYS.

Ok, we might not fail every time, and sure, when we do, we pick ourselves up and try again. But in the end, I can’t put my hope in the hands of mankind; a mankind who loves to hoard and exploit and brutalize and belittle and humiliate.

However, it is in these dark, hellish moments that I am grateful, so very grateful for Yeshua (Jesus). It is his words that encourage me. It is his example that fills me with light. It is his promise that gives me hope. I sound terribly cheesy. The words here may seem like the words of a simpleton, of someone who doesn’t exercise one cell in his brain. But I do look at the promises of Men and of other gods and it’s all about death/revenge or legality or peace at the end of a sword or a never ending cycle of lives or the vain hope that we will “evolve” into something better. None of these things look hopeful to me. The other thing that stands out to me about all of the other options is that I have to do everything, and the reality is that I can’t!

The beauty of Yeshua and his promise is that there is nothing I can do to save myself. Nothing. He has done it all for me. I simply have to believe in him and obey. The only way I will ever be able to fully know the heart of God, the God of Yeshua, the Holy Spirit, is to obey him: love my enemies, love my neighbour, love God; comfort those who mourn; help those in need; share the good news that we are sinners and that Yeshua, Jesus, understands our pain and suffering and has died and risen, conquering death, so that we no longer have to live in our sin. He wants us to rely on him, to share our burden with him, to die to ourselves so that we may live more fully in him. If I am in charge, shit happens…A LOT! However, if I step aside, allow my ego, the ego that hates, that wants revenge instead of justice, that desires for ME to prosper at the expense of others, if I allow that ego to die, then there is no limit to the good that God can do in spite of or through me (it’s usually “in spite of” as I always get in the way).

This post came about because a friend of mine passed away on Sunday night. I found out this morning and have been wrestling with it all day. She was a lively soul. She loved the Rolling Stones and pretty much 90% of the time had a Rolling Stones hat on! When she was grooving, you could always catch her humming or flat out singing a Stones tune! My happiest memory of Ev is when she crashed my wedding reception. She came in like it was any other drop-in…but she knew it wasn’t 🙂 That’s right, she walked right up to us and gave my wife and I a congratulations card, then proceeded to dance with reckless abandon. Ev YOU ROCK!

My hope is that she knew Yeshua, that she believed in him. I don’t know. Only our Father in Heaven knows. Lord have mercy on her. Rest in peace Ev Roberts…Rest in peace.

Evelyn Roberts

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