15 Kumquats

© 2014 Lyf Stolte

HENRY

Are you sure Jill love?

JILL

Of course I am! Who took the Wolfgang Puck Introduction To Kumquats 101? Huh? Me. That’s who. So you can just do what I tell you to do. Ok? Ok? Ok.

HENRY

Ok sweety.

JILL

Now, please pass me the almond milk.

HENRY

Did you know —

JILL

Not now Henry dear. This part is delicate. This is a delicate part of the procedure.

HENRY

Procedure? You sound like you’re performing a medical examination.

(small chuckle)

A Kumquat Colonoscopy!

(bigger chuckle, clearly amused by his own alliteration)

JILL

(doesn’t even justify that joke with a response)

The Almond Milk please dearest.

HENRY

(still chuckling)

Ok. Sorry.

JILL

(measuring way too precisely for anyone’s good)

There….just about….almost….DARNIT!

(makes some corrections)

Now….slowly Jill, slowly….sloooooooowwllyyyyyyyy…. SONOFAGUN!

(takes 3 deep breathes, centers herself with a yoga pose, calms down, aligns her chakra’s ala Wolfgang Puck, and tries again)

Breathe Jill, just breathe through the pouring, simply breathe, don’t hold your breath, if you hold your breath you hold back your ability to pour the perfect amount, you can do this, in through the nose, out through the mouth, fill the lungs, let the diaphragm expand DONE!

(she stops pouring and covers her mouth, not wanting to upset anything)

HENRY

(somewhat oblivious)

So, now I’ll just take that —

JILL

(with all the stopping power of a drill sergeant)

NO!

HENRY

(stunned into paralysis)

wha…?

JILL

(gentler)

No. Don’t touch the pyrex. Just let it settle for exactly 12.34 seconds.

(begins to count)

HENRY

(still paralyzed)

Ummm….Jill —

JILL

(firm)

Not. Now.

(still counting)

(finishes counting and with the grace of a master swordsman, takes the pyrex and pours it into the mixing bowl.)

Ahhhhhh.

HENRY

Jill love.

JILL

Isn’t that just perfect? Look at the way the milk interacts with the other ingredients. It’s beautiful. All the wonders of creation are contained in that natural fractal, that geometric beauty that only these special elements can create.

HENRY

(still paralyzed)

Um, that’s great Jill, love, but apparently, umm, I don’t know what happened exactly, but I appear to be paralyzed.

JILL

(not looking at him, still looking at her creation)

What dear?

HENRY

I can’t move my love. I’m stuck.

JILL

(still not looking)

I know what you mean. The beauty of this moment has me speechless, breathless, stranded on the shores of the perfect moment.

HENRY

(a little panicked)

Umm…that’s not exactly what I mean my love.

JILL

(becoming increasingly hypnotized by the mixing bowl)

It’s ok sweetness. It’s coming together perfectly. This is what Puck said would happen.

HENRY

Puck? He let you call him by his last name? That’s a little odd.

JILL

Puck said this would happen. That this would happen in this order. If you mixed it all correctly, your one true love would become paralyzed with awe at your ability to mix the ingredients so perfectly.

HENRY

Um, I don’t think it was the ingredients that paralyzed me love. I think it was your voice. Something in the way you told me to stay still shocked the living Jibbers Crabst outta me and has me paralyzed, I do believe.

JILL

You must be mistaken my true dear, my hearts only desire.

(turns to HENRY)

You are paralyzed and so you must be my true love.

(she kisses him, and immediately his body loosens and he gains control over his being again. However, he had been paralyzed for just long enough that he forgot how to stand for a brief second and has collapsed. JILL turns back to the bowl.)

Perfection. Puck’s recipe is perfection.

HENRY

Well, ow, I think. That was, well, odd I think.

(he gets up and brushes himself off)

So, what’s next? What did the ever amazing Puck say to do next?

JILL

There’s no need to be sarcastic dear.

HENRY

Oh, sorry, that was not my intention at all. Still a little shocked by the paralysis and the subsequent falling over. Apparently your kisses are dynamite!

(chuckles at his own joke)

JILL

(sincerely)

You are a gem. Let’s see, what’s next.

(she closes her eyes and tries to remember)

I need you to get me a….um, a…..OH! YES! I need 2 sprigs of garlic.

HENRY

Sprigs of garlic? I think you mean sprigs of rosemary or cloves of garlic. There is no such thing as a sprig of garlic.

JILL

Oh, but there is my sweet. I have seen one. It’s in the pantry.

HENRY

In the pantry? I don’t remember…

JILL

Puck gave us all sprigs of garlic after the session.

HENRY

Well, I will just head into the pantry then. Where in the pantry did you put it love?

JILL

Right next to the potatoe starch.

HENRY

Sounds…ok. I’ll be back in jiff.

(exits)

As soon as HENRY exits, JILL takes her apron off, lays it flat on the floor and then folds it up. Once it is folded, she puts her hands on it and, lifting her head to the sky, chants in a sly and off colour way. As soon as she is finished, she takes her hands off the apron, unfolds it, takes out the item that has magically appeared in the middle of the apron, she stands up, turns in place to face the mixing bown, and gently sprinkles the item into the mixing bowl. She then turns back to the apron, takes it off the ground, shakes it like a bull fighter taunting the beast, spins, the beast running through the cape, once, twice, then with the swish of an expert, she grabs a knife from her counter and stabs the would-be bull. The beast is dead and she replaces the knife, puts the apron on and takes 3 very deep, centering breaths.

As JILL is breathing, HENRY comes back in with something that looks like a branch from a tree.

HENRY

This is the only thing on the whole shelf next to the potatoe starch, so I can only assume that this is the sprig of garlic my love.

JILL

Oh, that’s perfect. Yep. That is it indeed.

JILL takes the branch from HENRY and begins to shave pieces of it off using the knife she just killed the beast with.

HENRY

(a little confused)

So, you put the slivers in with the rest eh?! That’s….well, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Very, uh, very, well, natural I guess.

JILL

That’s the point Henry my sweet, my dear, this is the most all natural, beautifully realized kumquat recipe ever devised by the devious, I mean devilish, sorry, I mean debonaire Puck. BAM!

(laughs at her own joke)

HENRY

That is quite the collection of adjectives.

JILL finishes with the branch and tosses it aside.

HENRY

Jibbers love. You almost broke the window.

JILL

You can’t make a kumquat recipe with out tearing a whole in the fabric of time. That’s what they say.

HENRY

(thoroughly confused)

Um. Can’t say I have ever heard that expression before. Who says that?

JILL

Puck.

HENRY

Ah. I, well, I’ve usually heard it said that you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, but never that about kumquat recipes. Oh well. Learn something new everyday, eh love?!

JILL

Now for the final step.

JILL pours the mixture into a 9×10 corningware pan and sprays a little Pam™ over the top.

HENRY

Um, my love, I, well, um, I know that you took the class, but are you sure the instruction was to spray Pam™ over the top of the dish? Usually you coat —

JILL

Yes. I know what usually is done. This recipe though calls for the top to be sprayed. It helps to loosens the bonds between the atoms in the 15 kumquats.

HENRY is truly stunned by this and stands by as he watches JILL take the dish and put it into the microwave.

HENRY

Um, love, when did we get that microwave? I’ve never seen one big enough to hold a dish that size.

JILL

It’s a convex microwave.

(puts the dish in and closes the door)

Can you hand me that piece of paper and the knife please my sweet.

HENRY

Sure. But, why the knife?

JILL

Just be patient. Puck says that when this is complete all will be right.

JILL takes the piece of paper, looks at it while punching the 24 digit sequence into the microwave. She then presses start, and plunges the knife into the front of the microwave. The glass on the front doesn’t shatter, it simply allows the knife to enter and there is a spike of energy in the room. The lights flicker erratically briefly before settling into a mesmerizing, and beautiful sequence. HENRY is spell bound by the magic. JILL sees his awe and wonder and goes over to him. They dance, they are in love and more connected than they have ever been.

The dance is short, sweet and tender. The buzzer goes off, and the lights go out.

* FIN *

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *