Potassium

© 2014 Lyf Stolte

JIM

Wow. Babe, this grilled cheese is amazing!

HONEY

I’m so glad you like it. I wasn’t sure if you would or not.

JIM

Why wouldn’t I? You know I love this stuff!

HONEY

Well, I used some unique ingredients this time.

JIM

Well, whatever they are, please use them again! This is delicious.

HONEY

I am SO glad. When I added —

JIM

Oh, don’t tell me love. I don’t wanna know what you put in, I’m just gonna enjoy this.

HONEY

But, why don’t you wanna know? I mean, I only substituted —

JIM

Seriously babe, just stop right there. I love you. I love the love we make, I love the partnership we have, I love so many MANY things about you. But when I tell you I don’t wanna know, you gotta trust me love.

HONEY

But I like to share with you.

JIM

Oh babe. I know that. Oh, hon, don’t pout like that, that’s so not — ok, look —

HONEY

No.

JIM

C’mon babe, I just wanna —

HONEY

NO! If you are going to be like that, then this conversation is over.

JIM

Babe look. Remember Thanksgiving? Remember how my parents said they didn’t want us to bring anything? And do you remember what you did? Without my approval?

HONEY

“without your approval”? What in the world are you trying to say…lover? That I need your permission to do stuff?

JIM

You’re not hearing me love.

HONEY

Oh, I think I am just fine “babe”. I need your permission to live my life.

JIM

That’s not it at all.

HONEY

OH REALLY?! Then what is it? Hmmm? Tell me, what else could it be when you use the incredibly loaded term “approval”?

JIM

Just humour me. What did happen that Thanksgiving?

(pause)

I know you remember.

(pause)

Really? You’re just stay silent to spite me?

(pause)

HONEY

There was a minor incident…

JIM

MINOR?! The pool exploded!!!

HONEY

It wasn’t my fault they left the cover off their pool!

JIM

But who brings pure metal potassium as a gift????? WHO?!?!?!?!

HONEY

Look, your father said something once about needing more potassium, and I thought it would be a great gift. Besides, he didn’t say how tough it would be to get a hold of potassium. I had to go down to the black market on King St. and had to talk to Joe in the alley. And then he had to talk with Luigi who demanded a very big —

JIM

Look, babe, I know, you told me already. And we managed after that didn’t we? My parents agreed to a tiny settlement and we host thanksgiving from now on, until eternity nips at our heels.

HONEY

(not in the least sarcastically)

It’s wonderful isn’t it. You’re parents are so nice coming all the way here for thanksgiving. I love their visits.

JIM

…Yes. I know babe. But we need to listen a little better.

HONEY

That was one time. ONE TIME! Now I know that when your father is referring to potassium it’s his code for bananas. I mean really, how was I supposed to guess that. And I knew immediately where to get the metal and how to transport it. So, why would I possibly think about bananas? Besides, those are dangerous. Have you seen what happens when you step on a peel? Well, I mean, we did. But I didn’t see that when I was giving your parents their gift. Those things really are slippery.

JIM

Right. But this wasn’t a one time thing hon. You are often, and I know it’s out of a very generous heart, but you are often misreading cues and not listening. So, when I say, I don’t want to know what’s in the grilled cheese, I really don’t want to know. I love you and I know that whatever you put in it is amazing. But I am simply content to sit here and (takes a bite and savours it) eat this lovely, mouth-watteringly delicious sandwich.

BOB

(entering suddenly and then slamming a door behind him)

Did you tell him?

HONEY

I tried to but he just wouldn’t listen.

BOB

Damn.

JIM

Bob? What’s going on here? What was she supposed to tell me?

BOB

I can’t say, only she can. But now you’ve silenced her and there’s no one else who can take over.

JIM

What the hell is going on here Honey?

HONEY

I wanted to tell you babe. I really did. I mean, I made it special, I disguised it really well, you ate it all up (under her breath) and really quickly too, didn’t even breathe (normal) and then I was gonna surprise you. But I can’t now that Bob’s here. It was a time limited surprise.

JIM

Well, you know what. I’m just as glad. I’ve got enough surprises in my life right now I don’t need another.

BOB

Well. If that’s how you feel. I’ll just get going.

(opens the door and quickly closes it)

Ummm, Honey, I think we might need to reset things a little.

HONEY

What? That can’t be! How could they find us so quickly? Damn.

JIM

…what’s going on here guys?

HONEY

Nothing love. You just sit there really still, don’t move, and Bob and I will take care of this.

(searches her pockets, finds a pen and gives it to BOB)

You have the book I assume?

BOB

(annoyed)

Thank you, yes.

HONEY

Then here, take this and write down these ingredients.

(whispers to BOB who looks at her and then begins writing rapidly. She finishes whispering)

Got it?

BOB

Yeah, I got it.

(pause)

You really went out of your way here didn’t you? I mean, well, what I mean is that this is, well, something out of this world!

HONEY

That was the point remember?

BOB

Of course I remember. But you went above and beyond here.

JIM

Could someone clue me in here?

BOB

(looks at HONEY, then at JIM)

Well, you see it’s like this. Remember the potassium incident?

JIM

Huh…yeah, we were actually just talking about that.

BOB

Well, that wasn’t an accident.

JIM

I know, Honey explained it to me then and did again today. She misunderstood what my dad was meaning.

BOB

No. She wasn’t.

JIM

But she does that all the time. First it was the pool, then it was Helen’s tree fort, then it was the basil in the garden —

BOB

None of those were mistakes. Not a single one.

JIM

(silenced for a moment)

…I don’t get it…

BOB

I know. You were going to get it. But you didn’t want to. And now we have to go.

JIM

Whaddya mean “we”?

HONEY

Bob and I have to get going. Samus will be by to check up on you. She’ll let you know how I’m doing, but I doubt if you’ll see me again. This isn’t what I was hoping for hon, but you just weren’t willing to take this to the next level.

JIM

BOB

(to HONEY)

Wow. I’ve never seen him speechless before.

HONEY

(with a wink and a smile)

I have.

(to JIM)

I will always be in your thoughts honey.

(to BOB)

Let me see the book.

(BOB hands her the book)

Ok, so, let’s see, up 2 blocks, down 2 alleys, a left at the yield sign, a right at the lights, another left immediately after, and then another right after that. Then parking lot A, to sub basement B, wait…let’s see is that right, A, B, then select the elevator and start the descent.

BOB

You got it.

HONEY

(kisses JIM quite passionately, but JIM is petrified)

Damn. I’m truly sorry.

(to BOB)

I hope Samus comes quickly.

BOB

Let me have the book and let’s go.

HONEY

(arranges the table to a specific pattern, straightens her outfit, dusts herself off, dusts JIM off, looks out, looks up, is ready)

Here you go. I hope he’s ready.

* FIN *

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